Girlfight! How to Reduce the Bloodshed

I know you have been waiting for the real-housewives-hair-pulling-name-calling-drag-‘er-through-the-mud! installment in this series. So here you go!!

Here are some calm and clear ways to resolve any conflict without drama.

   Just kidding, that is not only impractical but utterly boring. If you are in a partnership and aren’t having any fights, congratulations!!  You have either only been together just a few months, your partner is your imaginary friend (making aerial work difficult), or you don’t have long to live.  But work together long enough, see each other often enough, and you are going to fight. That is all there is to it. Knowing that, you might as well learn to expect it and deal with it (and maybe learn the sleeper hold).

What’s fun about fighting in the circus is how public it is.  Our rehearsal space is a giant warehouse where even the office area is exposed. Laura and I are so used to airing our dirty laundry in public that the front desk started to place bets on who would cry first.

The First Time We Considered Divorce

We’d only done one act together at that point, but we had invested a year of our lives in it. The honeymoon, however, was decidedly over. We were in the “you are a much bigger bitch than I thought you were” phase. We postured. We threatened. It got so bad we almost started writing a contract.   But then a cold reality hit us hard.  Where the hell were we going to find another redhead? We’d have to work it out for the sake of a good brand.

When You start Playing Darts with Each Other’s Headshots, You Might Need some Professional Help.

The second time we almost skidded into splitsville was after we’d been touring together for a few months. We were living together,

A recreation of how I appeared in one of Laura’s dreams.

sleeping together, singing 99 bottles on the bus together, eating together, exercising together, and performing together. 24/7 of suffocating togetherness across the Midwest, Greece, India, and Portugal.  We got to the end of that run and we realized we needed therapy, or somebody wasn’t going to make it. And well, hell, we figured we might as well entertain others in the process and threw in a camera crew.  I’d like to say it was entirely our dogged determination to make it work that got us through, but the ten minutes of fame helped.

I’m sure different partnerships have come up with different rules that work for them, but here are some rules we came up with to minimize the bloodshed:

1.Do not perform mad.

Do I really want someone who at that moment would like to see me dead, holding me by one foot 20 feet up?

2. Do not tear apart a performance right after it has happened.

If something was really not good, we’d remember it the next day. If not, probably not worth mentioning. Rehashing every little detail is just not worth it.

3. No Discussing Real Issues by Email

If some issue starts to arise and digital words start to get tense, we have a policy that we must call the other person immediately and talk it out. Emails are the absolute worst way to discuss anything important. Tone is so easily misconstrued.  Also, constructing perfectly worded ones is a huge waste of time. We just get on the horn and say what needs to be said.

4. Give yourselves a Time Out when Necessary

If it helps to stick your nose in a corner, then by all means go for it. But when things get heated, it is important to press pause. It gives us a moment to stop blaming the other person for everything and just feel what each of us feels so we can discuss stuff perhaps a little more calmly.

5. Figure out Who is Good at What and Separate Tasks

We both don’t have to be good at everything. Find the things that each of you like to do and are good at and divide them up. Then respect what each of you contribute.

6. Respect your Coordinated Creative Process.

Some moves one of us may have worked out perfectly in bed, but in the studio, we realize they are physically impossible. Other moves it just takes a while to get. Time pressures sometimes make it hard to decide what to pursue and what to let go of. While on one hand, we don’t want waste precious rehearsal time, on the other,  we want to give each other a chance to explore new ideas.

7. Do Not Bring up Old Shit.

My first and only attempt at taking cheese from Laura in Paris

We never start a sentence with “You Always..”.  That is the red flag that only makes the angry bull come running. We try to watch out for stories about ourselves and the other person. If you think that you are the one who makes all the sacrifices or are the only one who has it together or the only one who cares about the act or the only one who has any creativity at all?!- chances are you’ve made up some story in which you are the hero and the other person the villain. As fun as it is to feel superior, you may not really be seeing the whole story.

8.Do not Get between Laura and her Food

We all have our things and this was one I learned quickly.

9. Do Not Speak Before Coffee.

As always, Please share with us any rules you might have or helpful tips you have found in dealing with your circus significant other.